The User's Guide To Dagonet
by homeric
Summary: Congratulations on your purchase!


**A/N: As I'm sure everyone knows, the "User's Guide" idea is not mine, nor do I make any claim to Dagonet's character.**

**THE USERS GUIDE AND MANUAL FOR**

**DAGONET**

**Copyright BrightKnights Ltd.**

**DaisyMay, Chief Technical Advisor.**

CONGRATULATIONS!

You are now the proud owner of a DAGONET unit (henceforth referred to as DAGONET). To obtain maximum enjoyment from your baldy, noble knight, please follow the following instructions.

**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS**

Name: DAGONET

Type: Human (samartian)

Height: 1.93m

Weight: 180 lbs

Length: Hey, have you seen the size of him? You work it out.

Colour: Eyes:blue. Hair: minimal.

**ACCESSORIES**

Your DAGONET will be shipped to you as soon as possible. Units are delivered fully dressed in a big tunic thingie with studs on it (note: this should be removed when hugging your unit - BrightKnights ltd. Accept no responsibility for the perforation of owners), a big belt, leather trousers and an air of tragic nobility. A great big sword and axe are also supplied, however use discretion when giving them to your unit.

**OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS**

Your DAGONET unit is designed to be friendly and efficient, if somewhat monosyllabic. His controls are designed to be voice activated, and unlike the LANCELOT or BORS units he will obey your orders without question.

As well as being a great big lovable lug of a man, a brilliant body guard and self-sacrificing protector of the innocent, your DAGONET has many other uses.

_Babysitter._

The DAGONET unit is particularly fond of small children - the grubbier and more vulnerable looking the better. If you have a young son, then why not put it in charge of the junior football team? Your DAGONET will be firm but fair to the children, and will so intimidate the coaches of rival football teams that you are almost certain to be top of the league by the end of the season.

_Mediator_

Having a family argument? Can't persuade your brother to go on holiday to France rather than Spain this year? Why not ask your DAGONET unit to step in? DAGONET's silent but imposing presence, along with his tendency to do whatever you tell him to, will swiftly put an end to the argument . The fact that he's almost twice the size of other people is an added advantage.

_Demolition Expert_

Due to the DAGONET's superior strength and size, as well as it's fondness for flinging large axes around, it is ideally suited to the more strenuous DIY jobs. Got a wall that needs knocking down, or a pond that needs digging? Simply inform your unit of its task and sit back and relax with a magazine while it does the job for you.

_Note: It is not prudent to give your unit delicate jobs to do - its large hands and unwitting strength means that asking it to dust ornaments may lead to excessive household insurance claims. For the same reasons asking it to put up shelves is not advised unless it's a strong exterior wall or you were thinking of putting a window there anyway._

_Healer_

Despite it's gruff and intimidating appearance, your DAGONET unit is a skilled and surprisingly gentle tender of injuries. The next time you cut yourself you now have the option of choosing between a busy ER unit or a burly warrior who probably won't be adverse to giving you a cuddle after bandaging you up. It's not a particularly difficult choice is it?

**CLEANING**

While a certain amount of dirt adds to your DAGONET's manly charm, too much plays havoc with soft furnishings and carpets. Unlike the TRISTAN unit which can be left out in the rain to clean it off, it is better to bathe your DAGONET unit from time to time. Due to it's size you may find your shower gel expenditure increasing tenfold, however you can comfort yourself with the fact that unlike owners of a GAWAIN unit, you will save on shampoo.

Do not tumble dry or dry-clean your DAGONET unit.

**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS**

_My DAGONET unit looks sad (sadder than usual), and cuddling it seems to have no effect. What has happened?_

Has your unit recently been exposed to a singing VANORA unit? The aforementioned VANORA unit has an unfortunate effect of sending DAGONET units into pensive-I'll-never-get-home-but-will-try-and-hide-my-pain-so-that-I-can-protect-my-fellow-knights mode. (For the same reason try not to expose your unit to the following bands : Radiohead, The Cure, Keane and anything you might find in the "emo" section of HMV). Why not try taking your DAGONET to a Kylie concert or a gay club? The jaunty tunes and fun atmosphere will be sure to cheer it up.

_Note: If you own a slash model then be wary of taking it to either - you might not see it again. The "let's get you a nice cup of tea and a biscuit" approach is better suited for this particular unit._

_My DAGONET unit, although dressed in clothing appropriate to Roman times, does not seem to be behaving in character. Upon opening it's box, it promptly threw me on the bed and ravaged me. I'm confused._

You have mistakenly been issued with a TITUS PULLO unit. You may send the unit back to Brightknights Ltd, whereupon we will send you a full refund, however, are you really sure that you want one?

**TROUBLESHOOTING**

_I took my DAGONET unit ice-skating. I now have a damages bill for several thousand pounds. What went wrong?_

DAGONET units are uncomfortable with ice, and should be kept well clear of it whenever possible, especially when children are around. Ice rinks, having both the potential for dangerous slipping, distressed children falling over and crying, and the obligatory group of youths hanging around looking surly, will have a detrimental effect on your unit, leading it to attempt to remove the threat. This often leads to costly damage, embarrassment and a trip to the police station. For this reason a nice excursion to the cinema or pub is advised instead when taking your unit out, and if you absolutely must take it to the ice-rink, then on no account allow your DAGONET to bring it's axe or sword.

_My DAGONET unit is refusing to do anything I tell it to, and seems eager to place itself in unnecessarily dangerous situations. Why is this?_

Do you own an ARTHUR unit? Due to an unfortunate design flaw, your DAGONET will follow any ARTHUR unit's instructions blindly, and with no concern for it's own welfare. Either threaten your ARTHUR with swapping your GUINEVERE unit for a LANCELOT slash model, or explain to DAGONET that he's your bitch now.

**FINAL NOTE**

We hope that you enjoy your DAGONET unit, and provided that you follow the instructions above, are sure that it will provide you with many years of satisfaction. If considering giving it as a gift then please be aware that we follow guidelines set out by the RSPHKU (Royal Society of Hunky Knight Units). Remember, a DAGONET is for life, not just for Christmas.


End file.
